So, I happened to catch one of those sanctimonious Duracell commercials in which having a pair of double A batteries saves the world from blowing up, prevents a small child from falling down a glass-shard-encrusted well, or some such nonsense. This particular commercial depicted a mom spending an afternoon in the park with her children. Mom turns around for a millisecond and little Timmy is gone. But not to panic! Mom has a Brickhouse Child Locator System (powered, of course, by Duracell).
Using GPS technology, little Timmy is equipped with a homing tag (at present this is an external device that can be worn or stored in a pocket or backpack) and his mom has the Locator which beeps faster as the homing tag gets nearer. Crisis averted.
I was curious about this Child Locator system (which I fondly like to think of as “Baby LoJack”) so I checked out the website of the makers: Brickhouse Security. They have some interesting products for “child safety”: hidden nanny cams (one looks just like an air purifier, another is disguised as an alarm clock), a GPS teddy bear, and bulletproof backpacks! Who are these kids’ parents? Jack Bauer?
But then I found their “Teen Tracking” product line (“As seen on Fox News!”). Get a load of this:
Sex, Drugs & Reckless Driving. Teen Tracking will put you as parents back in control. Sleep peacefully while your daughter or your son is out, monitoring their movements. Your children are counting on you to keep them safe.
Wanna know what you kid is text-messaging? No problem! Get a Cell Phone Spy Data Extractor.
Worried that Cindy Ann and her new bf are making out in your station wagon? Put the kibosh on that with a CarCam Voyager. Over 8 hours on one video card!
Wanna know if Johnny is really at baseball practice but don’t want to, you know, ask him? Say no more! Brickhouse’s got you covered. Slip one of their Super PocketTrack Covert GPS Tracker pens into his (bulletproof) backpack!
Not quite invasive enough for you? Why don’t you attach a Brickhouse Key Logger to his computer? See over 64,00 keystrokes- even passwords!
Think Annie is lying to you? Do you suspect that she is having premarital sex? Don’t sit down and have a frank, heart-to-heart, mother-daughter talk! And there is certainly no need to place any trust in your teen. Technology is here for you! Try Brickhouse’s Portable Lie Detector! It can analyze any voice in person or on the phone. And best of all, it has super cute graphics: “the Demon icon’s nose and horns grow when someone tells a lie.” Nice touch!
Still have doubts? Why not make like a CSI and invest in a Brickhouse Semen Detector? (No, seriously.)
It’s a brave new world, huh?